my life

I was walking through a little forest in the middle of one of the Whitsunday Islands in Australia, and our tour guide pointed out an ant on a tree with a little bright yellow bum. She suggested that one of us licked his bum assuring us that it would taste of lemons. I had never previously licked an ant’s arse before, but its bum actually tasted more like licking a 9 volt battery than a lemon. I don’t know what these lemony-bummed ants are called but if you see one, lick it’s arse and you’ll see what I mean.

It was a hot day so i was clipping my toenails outside to see if i could try and get a tan at the same time as doing something i try and put off for as long as possible. As my toenails were being chopped off and flying through the air, then hitting the ground, I noticed that there was a little gang of ants picking them up, carrying them along, then taking them down a little hole.

I kept doing it and they kept taking them. I wondered that night what on earth they were going to do with my toenails. Someone (Benay I think it was) suggested that they were probably going to be building them into some sort of nest or something that they have down there… but I’d rather like to believe that in fact ants are a intelligently superior race to us humans and they have mastered all that DNA malarky and was actually creating a shrine to me using my toenails. I probably have an ant version of me somewhere. But maybe it was just a nest thing like Benay suggested.

I was driving down a road in the outback (or was it the bush?) one day and drove onto a road which looked really smooth… but it also looked like it was moving. Thinking that these were the heat rays I thought nothing of it. but when i slowed down I realised why the ground looked like it was moving – it was FULL of ants, all going about their business. I decided to stop the car and give them some of my sandwich, as i like to watch ants. They’re clever things! I dropped my sandwich out of the window and watched as what seemed like hundreds of the little buggers picked it up and dragged it away.

Now these were no ordinary sized British ants – they were slightly smaller than the size of fun size mars bar in length and were bluey-purple in colour with legs that seemed to have extra legs on the end of them. Anyway, after feeding them my sarnie i took off on a slow drive trying not to kill too many of them. After driving for a little while, Christina, the girl I was with started screaming and pointing at my shoulder… Yep, one of them was crawling all over me. Not only that, a quick look around revealed about 5 of the little sods were crawling all over the dash board and around the car. Panicking at the thought of how quickly they devoured the sandwich I slammed on the brakes and literally ripped off my t-shirt, throwing it out of the window then sped off to find some non-ant infested grass. Turns out they had crawled up the wheels, round the rims, up the doors then through the windows. Clever little bastards!